This is a new garden over old flowers.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything in here. I suppose it’s been awhile since I’ve felt like I needed an outlet, but today I can’t seem to keep it together.

I feel worthless. I feel pathetic. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ll never accomplish the things that I want. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I feel like I’m a constant disappointment.

I feel like I can’t give Kitten the things that she wants. I feel like I won’t ever truly be able to make her happy. I feel like I’m doomed to walk in my father’s shoes, to spend most of my life moving from one painful loss to another.

I love her so much, and I try every day to make sure that she knows. I’ve known for a long time that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, to fall asleep next to her ad wake up beside her and to find her waiting for me at home when I walk through the front door.

But I don’t deserve those things. She’s too special, too unique, too incredible for someone like me. I’m not tall or handsome or athletic or successful or intelligent or anything, really. And I’m scared that one day soon she’ll realize it.

And then she’ll be gone. And I’ll be alone.

It’s been far too long since I’ve written. Truth be told, after things with Kitten sorted themselves out, I didn’t feel as though I needed this outlet as much.

A short recap: we had a lovely time in San Diego celebrating our respective birthdays, and found ourselves back in California a month later for an incredible trip to Disneyland. We’ve attended some concerts over the past few months, and I’ve met her father, as well as her mother and stepfather. I was even invited home for Thanksgiving, and an invitation to join her family for Xmas has also been extended.

We’re together nearly every day, and our bond continues to strengthen. She’s attentive and affectionate, thoughtful and compassionate, and as the days go by I can’t help but fall more and more in love with her.

Yet something about today just feels… off. We’ve barely spoken at all, and she cancelled plans with me to go out with her friends, which in and of itself isn’t a bad thing - I certainly have no designs to hide from the rest of the world and keep her all to myself, and I would never begrudge her a night with her nearest and dearest.

Granted,the plans we had weren’t set in stone, but a conversation from yesterday left me with the assumption that we would stick to our normal routine this evening. At the time of this writing it’s been nearly six hours without any sort of contact, and with the notable exception of times when she’s sleeping, this is quite out of character. Throughout the evening, I’ve been expecting to hear that familiar text message alert, the one that’s designed to jar me awake on the rare occasion we’re not sleeping in the same bed - and yet it hasn’t arrived.

On nights like tonight, when I find myself faced with the prospect of going to bed alone, I can’t help but feel restless, anxious. Despite all the supporting evidence, I wonder if she’s truly happy, if I’m what she truly wants. And what scares me the most is the thought that I might not be.

After being apart on Wednesday evening, I saw Kitten at the gym the next afternoon, and was pleasantly surprised to see that she was wearing the silver collar with the heart-shaped lock that I had bought her. I had given it to her just after our road trip, and the last time I had seen it around her neck was the day we had decided to go our separate ways. I asked why she was wearing it again, and she told me that she had been unable to sleep the night before, and putting it on made her feel better.

We went out with one of her friends on Thursday to have a couple of drinks and watch the game. I still feel nervous when meeting her friends for the first time, because I’m never really sure how judgmental they might be about the age difference between Kitten and myself, or the nature of our situation. But in this case, there was nothing to fear, as her friend and I established a solid rapport almost immediately, bonding over our mutual hatred of Kitten’s ex-boyfriend.

At the end of the night, Kitten and I found ourselves curled up on her couch, eating pizza and watching a horror movie that I had previously recommended to her. When the movie ended, she asked me to stay with her, and we went to bed shortly after. Unfortunately, she wasn’t feeling well, and spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep.

Not long after I got home from work on Friday evening, she texted and asked if I wanted to come over to eat dinner and watch another movie. I arrived around 8:00 to find her making Italian food, and after we finished eating we cleaned up the kitchen together before heading off to watch the movie in the comfort of her bed. Horror movies tend to affect her quite a bit, so we stayed up for awhile afterward in order to decompress, then fell asleep watching episodes of “Law and Order” on Netflix.

We got up early on Saturday morning to allow time for breakfast before she went to work, and then I headed off to finish putting together her birthday present, photos of which will be posted later this week. We reconnected later in the day after she asked me to go shopping with her, then went out for dinner and drinks before winding up back at her place for more horror movies and cuddling.

She had to work again this morning, and had made plans to drive down to stay with her family and celebrate her younger sister’s birthday. When we said goodbye this morning, I didn’t anticipate seeing her again for a couple of days, but she sent me a message shortly before the end of her shift and asked if I would meet her for lunch before she left. We sat outside on the patio and chatted over sandwiches, and then I walked her to her car to say goodbye.

This is only the second night since I’ve returned that I won’t be falling asleep with her head resting on my chest and her arm wrapped around my waist. While I’m certainly thankful that she’s wanted to spend so much time with me this week, I’m also allowing myself to be a bit selfish in wishing that she was here with me tonight. But we’ll be leaving for San Diego in a few days, and then it’ll be just the two of us, so I have that to look forward to.

Kitten has been having a rough time these past few days. She was lonely while I was away visiting home, and apparently her ex-boyfriend said some pretty terrible things to her that really did a number on her self esteem. He’s a manipulative, emotionally-abusive asshole, and I hate that he still has the ability to put her through hell like that.

The changing of seasons isn’t helping, either, as she told me that she often gets extremely sad and depressed during the fall and winter months. Two of my close friends from back home are similarly afflicted, so I’ve had some experience helping people deal with it. I think the official term is “seasonal affective disorder” - according to Wikipedia, anyway.

There’s also another situation developing, one that could potentially impact both of us, but I don’t want to say too much about it just yet, lest I find that we’re jumping to conclusions.

She’s dealing with so much stress and sadness and anxiety, and I want to be there for her in any way that I can, but I’m not really sure how to help. I left work early yesterday to spend some time with her, and after cuddling on the couch for awhile we went out for dinner and ran a few errands and she seemed to be in better spirits. But by the end of the night, she asked me to take her home and told me that she needed to be by herself for awhile, with repeated assurances that nothing she was feeling was related to me, or us.

When I got home, I went out for a late night run along the lake to clear my head, but it didn’t really help. I barely slept at all last night, driving myself crazy wondering if I should have said or done something different to make her feel better. I’m still worried about her, and not knowing what to do just leaves me feeling helpless.

Just over 48 hours until I’m with her again. Feels like an eternity.

Kitten is out of town until Wednesday, and I’m leaving Thursday to visit home.

We’ll only have one night together over the next nine days, but I was fortunate enough to spend almost the entire weekend with her. I can still smell her on my shirt, and on the sheets, and on the pillow next to mine.

Wednesday can’t come soon enough.

Bit of a scary morning. Woke up around 5:45 to a strange noise in the living room. I woke Kitten up and asked if she had heard anything, and she admonished me for trying to scare her, but I wasn’t kidding in this case.

I opened the bedroom door to see a man in my living room, bent over the coffee table with his hands on my laptop. I shouted at him, and he ran for the front door, tipping over the coffee table in the process and attempting to scoop Kitten’s purse off the living room floor. He lost his grip on the purse, spilling the contents onto the stairway, and I chased him downstairs and across the apartment courtyard before he escaped.

I called the police as soon as I returned to the apartment, and while making the report Kitten discovered that her iPhone had been stolen. Her tracking software indicated that it was somewhere in the vicinity of the building directly south of mine, but the police were unable to recover it.

After providing the officers with a description of the intruder, filing the necessary reports and unsuccessfully attempting to identify him using in a photo lineup, Kitten and I went out to breakfast. I felt guilty about the situation, because she had originally intended to go home last night but I had asked her to stay. If she had gone home, the break-in likely wouldn’t have been prevented, but at least she wouldn’t have lost her iPhone.

She assured me that it wasn’t my fault and that she wasn’t upset with me over the situation, and we made plans to get together later in the day. I returned home, but couldn’t relax at all - just the thought of a stranger being in my apartment, uninvited, was creeping me out.

I got a call from Kitten a few hours later, telling me that her phone had been turned back on and asking me to trace the location, as she was at work and didn’t have a computer available. With the last known location pinpointed, I contacted the police and made arrangements to meet the investigating officers nearby.

Kitten’s iPhone was recovered stashed in an alleyway, stuffed into a decaying armchair with objects piled on top. The officer told me that she had stopped a well-known transient who fit the description I had given, and stated that he seemed nervous and agitated as she spoke with him. She thought it was quite coincidental that the phone was able to be located shortly after she had spoken with the suspect, and hypothesized that their conversation had spooked him and he had ditched the phone.

I stopped in to see Kitten at work and fill her in on the details. She was relieved to have her iPhone back, and hugged me tightly as she thanked me for recovering it. The good news was short-lived, however, when she received a phone call shortly after, indicating that she would be forced to work a double shift due to another employee calling out for the day.

I drove back to her place and picked up her laptop and textbook so she could remain productive throughout the afternoon, and then came back home to clean up the mess from this morning. I’m still unsettled by everything that occurred, but the locks have been changed and no permanent damage was done, and we were lucky enough to get back what was taken.

I’ve got a few hours to kill until Kitten is finished with work for the day. I think I’ll take a nap.

After meeting friends for a few drinks, Kitten came home with me last night. I had originally been selected for jury duty today, but a last-minute dismissal left me free of any responsibility or obligations, so Kitten and I spent the entire day on the couch, cuddling and watching horror movies. I finally took her home sometime after midnight, only because she has to be up extremely early tomorrow.

While I can certainly understand and accept that the nature of our new arrangement means that days like today will likely be few and far between, I’ll readily admit that it was the best day I’ve had in a very long time, and I’m very much looking forward to doing it again soon.

A few days ago, I wrote that Kitten and I had enjoyed a very open conversation about trying to balance the friendship that we both treasure with the undeniable connection that still exists between us. We managed to establish an arrangement, firmly rooted in honesty and communication, that benefits both of us, and we spent last night and most of today enjoying those benefits.

So now, at 8:30pm on a Sunday, I find myself sitting on the couch in a pair of flannel pajama pants, trying to stave off fatigue long enough to finish this post. I have a headache that has no doubt been brought on by dehydration, and it feels like every muscle on my body has some new ache or pain associated with it.

When I finally close this laptop and climb into the bed where we lay entwined just an hour ago, I’ll be comforted by the smell of her skin on the sheets, lingering long after she’s gone home. But that scent is no longer the cause of sorrow or regret - instead, it’s a reminder that no matter where she goes, no matter what she does, she’s still my little Kitten, and she still knows exactly where she belongs.

So once again, I find myself at peace with the world, knowing that everything wil be just fine.

To call the last few weeks “difficult” would be an understatement of epic proportions, but thanks to a very open and honest discussion of our situation, there’s a level of acceptance and understanding between Kitten and myself that didn’t exist previously.

If tonight is any indication, it seems we’ve finally managed to find the right balance between the friendship that we both wish to protect and maintain, and the powerful attraction and connection that we share.

Tonight, I truly believe it when I say that everything will be just fine.

After last night’s post, I couldn’t fall asleep, and finally sent her a text message around 1am, asking her if I could come talk to her about a few things. She said “yes,” so I drove to her apartment, sat on the edge of the bed, and started talking.

I apologized for handling the past couple of weeks in such a poor fashion, for selfishly considering only what I wanted and not giving any thought to the struggle she was enduring. I told her that I had behaved unfairly, and that I needed to take responsibility for needlessly contributing to her already fragile emotional state, because when you love someone and care about them, you should be putting their feelings before your own.

I told her that it’s difficult for me to become attached to people. I was single for the better part of six years for fear of becoming attached and getting hurt, and with my last relationship I essentially went through the motions without feeling anything real. I told her she was the first person I had allowed myself to become attached to in a very long time, and that the thought of losing that connection caused me to panic and to react very badly.

I pointed out that we had begun this journey as friends, and that if we hadn’t established such an open and honest friendship we likely wouldn’t have made it as far as we’ve come, and I told her that I thought we needed to go back to that. I told her that I wanted us to be able to spend time together without things being so awkward and strained, without us both worrying and wondering what would happen later and what everything all meant.

I told her that I loved her, and loved being with her, and that I still wanted an opportunity to explore that further, but that ultimately, I valued her entirely too much as a friend, a confidant, and someone I could trust, and that I wasn’t willing to run the risk of losing that just for the hope of what might come together.

She listened patiently to everything I had to say, and nodded her agreement with nearly every point. I told her I would still be there for her whenever she needed me, that we’d be friends, that we’d take everything day by day and just enjoy each other’s company, and that we’d figure everything else out later. She smiled and nodded, and I gave her a hug and drove myself home.

I won’t lie and say this isn’t painful, because it still hurts like hell. But I also know things couldn’t continue the way they were going, so maybe taking a different approach will allow for some progress. I feel like this is the right decision, and I feel at peace with it.