March 2013
1 post
4 tags
It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything in here. I suppose it’s been awhile since I’ve felt like I needed an outlet, but today I can’t seem to keep it together.
I feel worthless. I feel pathetic. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ll never accomplish the things that I want. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I feel like...
December 2012
1 post
6 tags
It’s been far too long since I’ve written. Truth be told, after things with Kitten sorted themselves out, I didn’t feel as though I needed this outlet as much.
A short recap: we had a lovely time in San Diego celebrating our respective birthdays, and found ourselves back in California a month later for an incredible trip to Disneyland. We’ve attended some concerts over the...
September 2012
7 posts
8 tags
4 tags
After being apart on Wednesday evening, I saw Kitten at the gym the next afternoon, and was pleasantly surprised to see that she was wearing the silver collar with the heart-shaped lock that I had bought her. I had given it to her just after our road trip, and the last time I had seen it around her neck was the day we had decided to go our separate ways. I asked why she was wearing it again, and...
7 tags
Kitten has been having a rough time these past few days. She was lonely while I was away visiting home, and apparently her ex-boyfriend said some pretty terrible things to her that really did a number on her self esteem. He’s a manipulative, emotionally-abusive asshole, and I hate that he still has the ability to put her through hell like that.
The changing of seasons isn’t helping,...
“I wish I could help you. But you have to let me.”
5 tags
Just over 48 hours until I’m with her again. Feels like an eternity.
4 tags
Kitten is out of town until Wednesday, and I’m leaving Thursday to visit home.
We’ll only have one night together over the next nine days, but I was fortunate enough to spend almost the entire weekend with her. I can still smell her on my shirt, and on the sheets, and on the pillow next to mine.
Wednesday can’t come soon enough.
7 tags
Bit of a scary morning. Woke up around 5:45 to a strange noise in the living room. I woke Kitten up and asked if she had heard anything, and she admonished me for trying to scare her, but I wasn’t kidding in this case.
I opened the bedroom door to see a man in my living room, bent over the coffee table with his hands on my laptop. I shouted at him, and he ran for the front door, tipping...
August 2012
39 posts
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
5 tags
After meeting friends for a few drinks, Kitten came home with me last night. I had originally been selected for jury duty today, but a last-minute dismissal left me free of any responsibility or obligations, so Kitten and I spent the entire day on the couch, cuddling and watching horror movies. I finally took her home sometime after midnight, only because she has to be up extremely early...
5 tags
A few days ago, I wrote that Kitten and I had enjoyed a very open conversation about trying to balance the friendship that we both treasure with the undeniable connection that still exists between us. We managed to establish an arrangement, firmly rooted in honesty and communication, that benefits both of us, and we spent last night and most of today enjoying those benefits.
So now, at 8:30pm on...
“if i’ve gotta sin to see you again
then i’m gonna lie, lie, lie”
3 tags
Balance.
To call the last few weeks “difficult” would be an understatement of epic proportions, but thanks to a very open and honest discussion of our situation, there’s a level of acceptance and understanding between Kitten and myself that didn’t exist previously.
If tonight is any indication, it seems we’ve finally managed to find the right balance between the friendship...
6 tags
Clarity.
After last night’s post, I couldn’t fall asleep, and finally sent her a text message around 1am, asking her if I could come talk to her about a few things. She said “yes,” so I drove to her apartment, sat on the edge of the bed, and started talking.
I apologized for handling the past couple of weeks in such a poor fashion, for selfishly considering only what I wanted and...
7 tags
This can't go on.
No matter how much I love this girl, no matter how much I miss being with her every night, and no matter how strongly I believe that there’s still hope for us… this can’t go on.
She’s scared and confused and lonely and conflicted - she dubbed this whole ordeal an “emotional fallout.” Ultimately, she has no idea what she wants, and until she figures that out,...
7 tags
I wish I could tell her how much I miss her right now.
7 tags
Just walked past someone in the gym that was wearing the same lotion Kitten always wears. Just a hint of that fragrance and now all I can do is think about her.
“Come back, my love. Just come back.”
8 tags
Yesterday, I was doing alright. I kept myself busy all day, making sure I had something to occupy my mind so I wouldn’t constantly be drawn to thoughts of her. But today, it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get her out of my head.
Sure, there have been little moments sprinkled throughout the day where I’ve been able to clear my head, but inevitably, it always comes...
4 tags
Kitten and I finally addressed the issue which led to yesterday’s anger. As it turns out, it had nothing to do with anything I had posted on Twitter, but rather a comment I made to a mutual friend that was relayed both incorrectly, and out of context. She felt insulted, and when she finally told me why, I understood completely.
We managed to clear the air, for the most part, but after we...
Anonymous asked: I happen upon your blog. It plays like a movie that flows into reality. Even in reality, all is so unknown. Your posts reminds me of an old love I use to know. I how your love turns out better then mine.
5 tags
She’s still mad at me. I tried to talk to her when I saw her this afternoon, but she wasn’t having it. She just stared right through me, her face blank and expressionless, offering one-word responses as I tried to clear the air between us.
I fucking hate this. I hate that as soon as she saw me today, her expression was set in a hard line instead of the warm smile she would usually...
4 tags
Perhaps I should learn to stay away from social media when I’m drinking, as it seems I managed to upset Kitten with something I said last night. Presumably, it was my final post of the evening:
Bedroom still in disarray. Another reminder. Think I’ll keep drinking. #fuckit
When I woke up this morning and looked at my feed, I saw a number of Tweets she had posted sometime after I had...
6 tags
Before coming over last night, she asked me if I could honestly be alright with her not being there when I woke up the next morning. I told her the answer was “yes,” and this morning I remained confident that my response had been the correct one. Of course, the more emotional side of my personality will always want her to be there, will always covet that emotional connection.
But...
5 tags
Drunk. Sitting in a movie theater, with an empty chair next to me where she was supposed to be.
Despite the fact that we parted ways this afternoon, she was in my bed less than three hours ago. Emotional attachment was left at the door, and what remained was purely physical, the same undeniable connection that brought us together in the first place.
My chest is covered in bite marks, and I can...
7 tags
Goodbye.
Kitten and I parted ways this afternoon.
We met for lunch, and she seemed distracted and disconnected. After finishing our meal, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she felt lost. I asked if she regretted her decision, and she said that she didn’t. I asked her what she felt lost about, and she said “Everything.”
After further prompting, she told me that she hadn’t...
6 tags
4 tags
Yeah, I’m obviously crazy.
Went to her place at lunch, and we sat on the couch talking about cartoons and watching TV. Having her wrapped around my arm with her head on my shoulder just made me feel extremely stupid for still worrying.
I guess I’m still feeling the after-effects of all the worrying and paranoia I went through over the weekend. But I also told her that We needed to...
6 tags
Yesterday, I felt like everything was alright again. I woke up beside her, pulling her close to feel her body pressed against mine. I gave serious thought to skipping work, just so I could lay in bed beside her all day, but finally forced myself to face the daily routine.
She came into my workplace about shortly before lunch, wearing a cute little dress with her hair spiked up into the mohawk...
4 tags
Homecoming.
When the knock at my front door finally came, my breath caught in my throat. I took another drink from my glass of whiskey, in a futile attempt to steady my nerves, and opened the door to find her standing on the front porch.
She came inside and set her purse down, and my eyes were immediately drawn to the delicate silver band around her neck.
“I see you’re wearing your...
Moment of Truth?
She’s on her way over here.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
5 tags
She sent me a message when she woke up, apologizing for asking me to come over last night and saying that it hadn’t been fair. She acknowledged that she was feeling lonely and upset, but said that she shouldn’t have asked that of me.
I told her she didn’t need to apologize, that being there last night and this morning gave me an opportunity to tell her something I...
4 tags
I woke her up around 6:15 and told her that I needed to leave soon. She rolled over, buried her face in my chest, and pressed herself against me while I ran my fingers through her hair. I knew I would regret not telling her the truth when I had the opportunity, so I pulled her closer to me and started talking.
I told her that I needed to be honest with her, that there was something I’d...
4 tags
5:30. In an hour, my alarm will go off, and I’ll wake her up to say goodbye, possibly for the last time. This thought, and the sense of dread that accompanies it, has kept me from sleeping more than a few minutes at a time.
Her dog has slept most of the night at the end of the bed, his muzzle draped across my foot. I wonder if he senses how I’m feeling and is trying to be empathetic. Sometimes...
4 tags
A surprising (and very pointed) Tweet resulted in me finishing my evening at her place. We crawled into bed, and she settled into my arms, told me she belonged to me, and then fell asleep.
I don’t know if I’m here because she was feeling lonely, or because she wanted one last night before saying goodbye, or because she truly wants me. I knew better than to ask those questions, and...
“Staring at the phone, waiting for a message that isn’t coming. I need to...”
4 tags
I asked her today if she was having second thoughts, if she was thinking about going back to her ex. She said she wasn’t sure, that she was still confused and upset and didn’t have an answer.
I figured it was time to put all the cards on the table, so I spent the next hour getting everything off my chest, pouring my heart out to her and letting her know how I felt about her, our...
“I’ll sing you every song I wrote if it’ll make you wanna stay.”
4 tags
Unfortunately, sleep didn’t seem to help, and not much had changed when we woke up this morning. She’s still beating herself up over everything, and there doesn’t seem to be much that I can do to help.
When I drove her back to her car, she apologized for her demeanor, and said that she would probably be stuck in a state of emotional shut down for a few days. I asked her again if...
3 tags
It’s after 4am, and I’m lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling while “Labyrinth” plays in the background. She’s been curled into a ball and asleep for the past hour, but I can’t seem to get there.
She ran into her ex at a party tonight, and while she didn’t get into details, it obviously did a number on her. When I picked her up to drive her home, she...
3 tags
She came over last night and made dinner for me, flitting around the kitchen in nothing but an apron and a pair of panties. Incredibly cute and sexy, and I love watching her be all domestic.
3 tags
Planning another trip. Taking Kitten home to meet the family. She’s nervous, which is understandable, but I’m confident that they’ll be just as enamored with her as I am.
“If God gave me grace, then why aren’t I graceful?”
3 tags
It never fails. When she stays, I always find myself waking up in the middle of the night, terrified that she won’t be there any longer. And then I turn my head and see her curled up beside me, and it’s like everything is right with the world.
Sometimes I’ll lie there and just watch her sleep, the gentle rise and fall of her breathing, or the way the corners of her mouth twitch into a smile when...
“And maybe it’ll all work out like in the movies…”
July 2012
27 posts
3 tags
3 tags
Kitten hasn’t been feeling well.
She complained of an awful headache last night, and went home early from her job today. I spent my lunch break on her couch, arms wrapped around her while we watched Olympic volleyball, and after running a few errands this evening I went back to her apartment.
We curled up in bed and dozed while episodes of Doctor Who played in the background, and after a...
